Chapter 30 :

Anika's POV

Did I hear it right? Did my heart actually stop because of him? Did he actually apologize?

I was flabbergasted by the words he spat out. I can accept it if he said something ruthless rather than a 'sorry'.

For a few seconds, I sat silently before I sat up straight and faced him. My face had a neutral expression even though I was internally shocked.

"Can you repeat?", I asked.

He nodded, "I'm sorry. I regret what I did to you. I didn't mean to but I didn't like the sight of you with another man", he spoke staring straight into my eyes.

"Why are you doing this?", I asked calmly.

He frowned, "What do you mean?"

I sighed short glancing at my lap, "I mean why apologize? You'll be repeating the same mistake again and leave afterwards. What's the point of the apology?", I asked.

"I had thought about it that night. I tried to put myself in the place of another man and Aisha in your place. Then I realized that I'd have given that man the most horrible death which he must've never thought of", he spoke glancing away.

I scoffed, "You realised after thinking about your sister in place of me. Not about me as your wife whom you, as a husband, hurt like how a husband shouldn't. You wouldn't have realised if Aisha hadn't been your sister", I replied.

It felt bitter to hear but he had to know the truth. I was surprised at his calm behaviour and the way he apologized. The man who was so cold by nature and called heartless, actually apologized to his wife who was his main target to destroy. He was the one to swear my ruin and now he's that same man asking for my forgiveness. It's hard to believe.

But the bitterness he had filled in me was enough to doubt his words. Maybe he was sincere but I couldn't believe them. Trust is indeed like fragile glass; once broken, cannot be put back. I actually never trusted him, but maybe it's human nature which makes us rely on somebody we're tied up to. And somehow, without my acknowledgement, I ended up relying on him.

I might look like a fool to others while saying this but it's the truth.

Despite his sincere tone, I just saw them as mere words lacking any promise.

I scoffed, "Stop lying. You can never apologize."

For the very first time, his eyes flickered. Those empty orbs flickered.

"I'm not lying doll. Believe me", he spoke softly. I doubt if he's drunk. Once a bastard is always a bastard. He crossed his line of insulting me and that proved who he was.

"You call me doll. And dolls don't have feelings. They're treated however their master wants. They'll be told what to do just for namesake because at the end, their strings would be controlled by their masters", I replied blankly.

He remained silent. Maybe I crushed his last hope of delusion that I'll forgive him.

Some mistakes aren't meant to be forgiven.

Without speaking anything, he got up but took me by surprise when he sat down in front of me, on the ground. A random person from outside would think he has gone crazy because who'd believe that Arnav Rai Mehrotra can sit on the ground?

Holding my lands between his on my lap, he looked up at my eyes.

Everything changed so quickly that I hardly was able to believe what was happening. Amidst the turmoil of vengeance that he created, his colors were changing and it's really confusing. Once he's ruthless and the next moment he'll be apologizing for that behaviour. It's better to go through torments given by him rather than see him being all sweet and soft towards me. He had introduced that monstrous side to me on our very first night so it's hard to believe that he can change too.

I didn't say anything but kept looking down at him, my face stoic.

"I know Anika what I did was wrong and maybe, not maybe, my way of realization was wrong. I should've realized it as your husband and not as Aisha's brother. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. There exists no other or better word for sorry and I'm really a less expressive person. It's—it's getting harder for me to tell you how guilty I feel. I'm sorry—", I cut him off, "You won't apologize. I don't need it and I said it already. You're guilty because you realized it but didn't feel what I felt. You don't even know how it feels to—to go through the memories of being raped. Y—you are a monster. Don't apologise constantly for that. I hate it. I hate you. You married me for revenge. This—this apology holds no importance because you'll be getting your revenge anyways and there won't be any love blooming between us. Neither you'd love me nor I would. You hated me and still do. This short-lived guilt would soon fade away and you'll be back to who you actually are. A person should apologise when he feels responsible for what he did and by not placing himself in someone's place. Let's live how we were before. You can punish me as much as you wish", I yelled at him till the end of my words. I was still furious and his unfavourable words just triggered my sensitivity to such topics. He just pressed my button of patience.

I don't take pseudo apologies. They hold no value and valueless things don't exist in my life. It's my belief.

I was fuming in anger because how he so easily apologized without even feeling a part of my pain. His words weren't even true. When there existed no 'I love you's, then there's no value of 'I'm sorry's. We don't feel a single thing for each other except loathe. We're bound to each other for revenge and once it's done, we'll be away forever. We'd be continuing to live like we used to. No memories attached and no feelings attached too. It's better if kept that way.

I was crying again. The agonizing pain in my heart was killing me because those haunting memories came back to my mind. Those screams of mine for help when there was no one, echoed in my head. That night was a horrible night and women like me would only know that. 

The society hates women like us who were touched by other men. Even if it's not our fault, we're considered untouchables and a stain to society. Women are just slaves and sex toys to some men and those men have shaped the society in such a way that women can't even breathe in peace.

"You'll throw me away because now you know that I was touched by some other man. I was forced to have sex with someone and I'm a stain to society. I don't deserve to live. I deserve to die—", I couldn't complete my sentence when I was engulfed into a tight hug.

I couldn't say anything anymore because of my aching throat after constant yelling and my aching heart. I can't stay strong. I'm tired.

I didn't know why, but again, I ended up staining his shirt. I cried my heart out, my loud sobs filling his study room. I couldn't think about anything else but those horrific screams of mine for help. My body was already shaking because of the fear that he might degrade me further after he got to know that I was raped.

But he just rubbed my back while caressing my hair as he spoke softly, "Shhh, calm down doll. Calm down. You can cry but don't cry too much. It'll affect your health. You're already weak because of fever. It's fine. I won't hate you. I won't throw you out and I promise I won't degrade you", his tone is so soft and deep.

I didn't expect him to get so soft and moreover I was taken aback by how he answered exactly the questions I was having in my mind. Maybe he felt sympathy for me after seeing the strong and independent Anika Roy Chowdhury breaking down like that. My mind was having a war of positive and negative thoughts.

But as said, one negative thought can win over ten positive thoughts at times. And I'm having that same time.

I wanted to just melt in his warm embrace. It felt so safe and promising despite what he had said to me before our marriage. His words indeed calmed me down. My sobs had slowed down after several minutes, turning into hiccups. I didn't want to detach myself from him both because of the warmth he was giving to my cold soul and embarrassment. It might sound absurd but when a person shows their strong side to another person and after that they cry in front of that person, it's embarrassing for them to face the person afterwards.

I don't know about others but I feel like that.

This feels so unfamiliar to me to rely on somebody whom I don't even like. I never knew I'd be doing this.

I didn't say anything or even move for once until he slowly let go of me and made me sit back on the couch. Making me drink some water, he just rubbed my back to calm me down.

I couldn't understand what I was doing. I believed that I had feelings for Dhruv but ever since I felt at unease when he had kissed me, I doubted my feelings. I still doubt it. And if somehow I've lost all the romantic feelings I had for him, I just know I won't be able to love again. I gave everything not for once but twice and that was enough of a life lesson for me. I wouldn't fall again. It feels weird and empty to know that I won't feel those beautiful feelings again but it's better to not love than hurt oneself repeatedly. Everyone has different points of view according to their experiences and this is mine.

Moments of silence passed with us sitting silently until I broke it.

"Nishant Raichand, my college crush. It's unbelievable right?", I spoke staring blankly at the ground. An airy chuckle left my mouth.

He kept silent but I knew he was attentively listening.

"13 October 2015, the day I saw him for the very first time. Dressed in a deep blue suit and white shirt, he approached me to dance with him on our prom night at Oxford. Just like any other girl, I accepted it. I was reserved but Rooh was there with me along with Vid and Esha.

Like a fairytale I never thought of or believed in, we had a silent but romantic night. We danced to the rhythm, even though I didn't even know his name that night. We just danced like two strangers who enjoyed their moments without caring about the fact that they'd be parted away after the moment ended.

But that didn't happen", I stopped for a while. I was narrating everything as if it were a beautiful dream. Those days were indeed beautiful. Initial days of love are always beautiful until things start to fall apart.

"One week after, I was at the library looking for books for my research when I met him there, again. He was seated on the seat in front of me on the same table. I didn't initiate any conversation but he did. It started with knowing each other's names followed by many things.

I wasn't so strong and less emotional at that time, so maybe I overshared which I didn't realise. I was in the first year and was sixteen and he was in the third year, five years older than me by age.

Being a newbie and innocent enough to fall for someone easily, I started growing a crush on him from that prom night. The next time we met at the library, he asked for my number and I, like the happiest soul at that moment, gave it to him. I wasn't acting delusional but didn't think of the aftermath.

Over time I started to talk to him, not even caring to take out his details from my best friends. I hadn't told them about him until we were in a relationship just after one month of the prom night. For my happiness, they didn't oppose.

It was a random evening, when I was at my hostel, studying. My phone rang and it was none other than him. It had been just three months of our relationship by then.

I picked up the call and he had asked me to meet him at the mansion. His driver would pick me up from the nearby park. I was both confused and happy. Confused because it was his first time calling me to his mansion seven in the evening and happy because I was getting to spend some time with my crush whom I had got as my boyfriend.

I sneaked out and hopped on in his car. My parents were alive back then and we had enough money to buy an apartment for myself and have a car too but they chose a simple life for me as any other student of the university.

Everything was normal after I reached his home. He was alone as his parents used to stay in Italy. His soft and kind behaviour was such a deception I never knew", I stopped, my voice wavered as my eyes flickered. The next thing I spoke was more than hard for me to remember and speak about everything all over again.

"That evening, we chatted and had an ideal home date which I had talked about to him one day. He did everything which made me happy but as the night grew darker, I told him that I needed to leave or the warden would complain about me to my parents.

But he didn't agree. He insisted that I stay for the night and since Rooh was my roommate, he asked me to ask her  to take care of my absence. I wasn't agreeing given my understanding that it wasn't a good idea to stay with a guy at night alone in his mansion. But he just manipulated me so much that I ended up agreeing.

He later insisted on playing a game called win or strip. I hadn't heard about it but he told me that we'd be asking each other questions about ourselves and if the one, who's been asked the question answers correctly, he wins and the one who asked the question has to strip a piece of cloth. And if the answer is working, the person who answers would strip.

I was shy and awkward but he manipulated me by telling me that I didn't love him and that's why I was not agreeing to play and I didn't trust him. I was young and my teenage brain made me fear the thought of losing him. I was fearing that I'd lose my crush and hence, I agreed.

We continued playing followed by me who stripped my top, socks and pants. I don't know how he knew so much about me when I knew about him very little. So he had just taken off his shirt and pants. He was just in his boxers till the end whereas I was just left in my knickers and a strapless bra covering my breasts", I stopped. I couldn't continue further because my throat was aching and my eyes were spilling out the tears. No matter how old these memories are, they still haunted me. I was just a young girl and the brutality I faced left an everlasting scar on my soul.

Covering my face, I sobbed when I felt him pulling me into his chest. His warmth made it harder for me to stop my sobs and hence, I ended up sobbing loudly. He kept rubbing my back letting me cry.

"Shhh, it's okay to cry doll. I'm here to protect you. You don't need to tell further if it hurts you", he whispered softly still rubbing my back.

"He was roaming his eyes lustfully over my naked body. I was getting uncomfortable but the next moment what he did was unforgivable and unforgettable. He threw me on his shoulders. I was more shocked than surprised because it was unexpected. I threw fists on his back yelling at him to put me down on the ground but he had turned deaf to my pleas. I was crying by then because of the fear building inside me.

I had trusted him enough to take off my clothes and play the game just to make him stay with me.

I was very much scared and within a few seconds, we were in a weird room. The room had dim red lights all around. The atmosphere was very uncomfortable and chill there and a huge wall made of glass had various weird equipment. Being young I didn't know that they were sex toys. And that room was his torture room most particularly for sex torture.

From whips, handcuffs—to everything. Each and everything a monster needs to torture his preys.

I was crying and helplessly trying to get out of there but it was of no use. No one was there in the mansion except him and me.

He then threw me on the bed kept in the middle of the room. The headboard of the bed had two small poles from where two metal handcuffs were hanging. It was a king sized bed.

I sat back on the bed as soon as he threw me on it and begged him to leave me. I was crying hysterically but all he did was hush me down and made me lay back on the bed. I listened to him because he had promised that he'd put me to sleep for the night and let me go in the morning. I didn't want to trust him but it was my only way to escape.

I kept lying on the bed letting him do whatever he wanted because at that moment all I knew was that I needed to get out.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realise when he had cuffed my wrists and ankles. I was scared to death when he hovered over me. He forcefully kissed me and I kept wiggling my hands and legs to break free but to no avail. He kept kissing me as I kept crying. He had held my jaw so tightly that it felt like it'd break. The next moment my eyes widened when I felt his one hand touching my chest and soon his other hand joined and he had ripped off my bra.

I cried loudly the moment he left my mouth. I was scared—very scared. I was lying almost n-naked under him, helplessly. I kept begging him to leave me. My throat was hurting, my wrists were hurting because of constantly pulling them despite being tied up.

He got annoyed because of my screams so he—he put a cello tape in my mouth. I was already out of breath and the moment he—he en-entered me, I screamed so loudly that my voice broke. I kept shaking my head asking him to stop. The pain was too much bear. It felt like my body was being ripped apart. It felt as if someone was tearing away each and every fibre of my body. The burning sensation and the pain made me too tired to scream further.

The whole night he kept thrusting into me. He used his tools on me till he was pleased enough. I was already out of oxygen because of the tape on my mouth so I fainted soon.

The next morning I woke up with a very sore body. I was still naked and lying on the bed. I had been raped the previous night which was proved by the dried blood between my legs.

I had lost my virginity to the person I loved and trusted. I had thought that it was love but when I grew up I realised that it was a mere infatuation.

That morning I just stayed on the bed, lying lifelessly because of all the haunting memories he had given me the whole night. I wanted to escape but my ankles were locked to the bed posts. The room reminded me of my helpless screams and his lust ruining me.

I kept crying till my voice didn't come out of my throat anymore. I was bruised from inside and outside. The fear he had instilled in me made me have the very first trauma of my life. But that was just the start.

The following evening he came into the room and again r—raped me. He told me that it was just his way of loving but I wasn't a fool to believe.

After two days of his constant forceful sex, I regained some strength to get away. I was worn out. Being a very young girl who lived alone, so far from her parents was something new for me and after what I went through, I was completely broken. My faith in love, trust and everything was lost the night I lost my virginity without my will.

I tried to break the chains around my ankles but I didn't know that he had kept bodyguards outside the door of the room. They had informed him about the sounds coming from the room and he came back from his work to punish me.

According to him, I was his property. He loved me—he used to say, but it was his obsession in actuality. That evening, he took me to the mansion's basement and made me see him torturing a man till the man's cut off fingers were at my feet. I was so traumatized and numb that I just kept staring at him torturing. Blood splashes everywhere and the painful screams mirroring mine from the last two nights consumed my heart and soul. The dark blanket of fear and helplessness wrapped my heart in a way to never let go.

I continued to stay there in his mansion, locked in the same room, tied up with chains all the time. I'd be allowed to look outside through the only window of the room so that I don't forget what's sunlight and what's greenery. I'd be given good food to eat and clothes to wear. But I should be ready in tight revealing clothes in the evening so that after coming back from whatever business he did, he can please himself and sometimes take out his frustration by hurting me.

He didn't even care if I was okay. But the things a little girl was made to face and see was too horrible. I started having panic attacks and nightmares. Every night I used to cry for someone's help because I had gotten too weak to help myself. I was ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable to not even being able to help myself escape from the monster's hell.

He even got abusive after two weeks because I wasn't pleasing him like before. I had neither my phone nor any way to reach out for my friends and family. All these continued for one month when one night he didn't come back home. I planned to get out. No bodyguard was there to guard me maybe because he thought that I was too weak to even stand, I won't even be able to escape.

But I had the will. I had enough will and strength to fight all the negative thoughts to escape.

I don't know how luck was on my side because I escaped. I limped my way till I was very far from his area. My hostel wasn't very far from his mansion so I went back there.

When my best friends saw me like that, they were shocked. They expressed their worries because I had gone missing for one month and they couldn't even contact me. Not a single trace of mine was left behind. I didn't know he'd totally erase my existence from the outside world.

The very next day my worried parents came and took me back home. They cried seeing me all broken and lost. I went silent and never spoke anything. I had become like an alive body with no soul. I ate and kept staring at nothingness all day. A psychiatrist was appointed for me. Because I was in India, the society judged me so much that I had gone into severe depression. Everyone around me saw me losing hopes to live again until I decided to go to Harvard University after two years. Even though I had changed drastically, I still decided to work on myself because I needed to be strong. Continuous taunting of the society for two years, panic attacks, nightmares and the traumas made me fight for myself, for my family and future. I fought and that's how I became the Anika Roy Chowdhury the world knows.

I used to spend hours in the shower, scrubbing my skin to remove his disgusting touches that sometimes I ended up bleeding. For two years, I was full of bruises, some given by him and some I gave myself to ease the pain.

It was hard, very hard for me, my family and friends. They couldn't see me like that and I couldn't bear the cruelty of the world anymore. My parents tried to find out about Nishant but it was as if he had vanished into the air. It was as if he didn't even exist. No one knew about him or found him. He became a live nightmare to me when it felt like he didn't even exist", I stopped finally. My voice was low and broken. I didn't know how I trusted him so much that I spoke everything but maybe it was because I had to let out all the nightmares choking me everyday.

I wanted to tell how much pain I had gone through but the energy in me seemed to drain away.

I kept crying for more than an hour until I finally calmed down to hiccups. He made me drink some water and later on put me to sleep in my room.